Funny Monday

 Need a little cheery this Monday morning? Ponder these:

 After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

 

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

 

 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

 

NEWSFLASH: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

 

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’

 

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re bout to announce the lottery numbers.- Homer Simpson

 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

 

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

 

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. – Dave Barry

 

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

 

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.  – Elizabeth Taylor

  

I read the Bible and the newspaper everyday, that way I know what both sides are up to.  – Zig Ziglar

 

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute, but let him sit on a hot stove for a minute, and it’s longer than any hour… That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein  

 

Have a great day!

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